When “Either/Or” Thinking Keeps Us Stuck

A reflection on a conversation and what it revealed about how change actually happens

I recently found myself in a conversation during a training session that I've given some thought to. I was paired with a thoughtful, strong minded person. You could tell right away, they cared deeply about their work and had conviction behind what they believed.

We began sharing what we each do.

Their focus? Body regulation.

They spoke about the nervous system, about how so many of the challenges people face today, stress, overwhelm, reactivity, can be traced back to dysregulation in the body. And from their perspective, the solution was clear:

Regulate the body, and everything else follows.

There’s truth in that. With training in Somatic work, I understand that a regulated nervous system changes our presence, our reactions, and even our ability to think clearly. However as I listened, something felt incomplete.

When it was my turn, I offered a different lens.

I shared how our thought patterns shape our lives at a core level, how we develop ways of thinking that once protected us, helped us succeed, or kept us connected, but over time, begin to limit us.

Patterns like:

• Avoiding conflict to maintain approval

• Overworking to feel worthy

• Staying silent to keep the peace

These aren’t just behaviors. They’re tied to underlying assumptions, often invisible ones.

And if we don’t surface and examine them, we tend to continually recreate the same outcomes, no matter how regulated we feel in the moment.

They pushed back quite strongly. Even referenced the work of Tony Robbins, emphasizing that changing your state, your physiology, is the key. That if you shift your body, you shift your life.

Again, there’s truth there. But there was something else I noticed in the conversation that revealed something. It wasn’t disagreement. It was certainty. A kind of certainty that sounded like: This is the only way. Not in a dismissive sense, but in a way that felt closely tied to what they had learned, trusted, and seen validated in their field.

Here is where it gets interesting.

Because when our thinking is shaped largely by trusted sources, proven methods, and what has worked within our experience with a particular community or framework, it can begin to feel like the answer, rather than an answer.

It becomes a kind of hidden trap. “This is the way” thinking.

Not because the perspective is wrong, but because it hasn’t yet been expanded to hold multiple, equally valid ways of understanding change.

And when we land there, whether it’s body regulation, mindset work, strategy, or anything else, we can unknowingly slip into either/or thinking.

• Either it’s the body or the mind

• Either it’s regulation or cognition

• Either it’s feeling or thinking

But human development doesn’t work like that. Lasting change is layered and integrated. It’s both.

When We Only Work One Side of the Equation

Let’s say we if we only focus on the body.

Yes, we can become calmer, and less reactive however, without examining the beliefs driving our patterns, we often return to the same behaviors under pressure. The patterns remain.

The same applies if we focus only on thinking: we can gain insight, clarity, and new strategies, yet without regulation, those insights can collapse when we need them most.

In Comes Immunity to Change

We know what to do; however, we can’t always access it and this is where Immunity to Change comes in. What I love about the Immunity to Change (ITC) framework is that it helps us move beyond either or thinking. It doesn’t dismiss the body and it doesn’t stop at mindset. It goes farther and much deeper.

ITC helps us uncover the hidden system at play:

The improvement goal we say we want

The behaviors that work against it

The competing commitments keeping those behaviors in place

And the big assumptions that make those commitments feel necessary

These assumptions are powerful. They sound like:

•       If I speak up, I’ll be rejected.

•       If I slow down, I’ll fall behind.

•       If I don’t help, I won’t be valued.

Here’s the key: without examining our assumptions, they continue to drive our choices, no matter how calm or clear we feel.

And here’s the key: even when we regulate the body and think differently, unexamined assumptions continue to drive our choices.

Moving Beyond Either/Or

So how do we help someone move beyond this rigid thinking?

Certainly not by arguing or proving one approach is better than the other.

I have found inviting curiosity to be helpful.

We might ask:

•       What works well about your current approach?

•       Where does it seem to fall short?

•       What happens under pressure, do old patterns still show up?

•       What might be operating beneath the surface that we haven’t explored yet?

This is where the shift can happen. We don’t abandon what works but expand on it.

Integration Is Where Growth Happens

The most powerful change I’ve seen, in leaders, in professionals, in myself, comes from integration:

• Regulating the body and examining the thinking

• Building awareness and practicing new behavior

• Honoring what has worked and outgrowing what no longer serves

It’s not about choosing sides. It’s about expanding our capacity to hold more than one truth at the same time.

When we move from “this is the answer” to “this is part of the answer,” we open the door to transformation.

That’s an invitation for all of us.

Not to be right.To be open enough to keep growing.

Mary Printz, M.Ed.

Certified Immunity to Change Coach

EQ-i 2.0 & Neuroscience-Informed Leadership Coach

Helping high-performing leaders outgrow hidden patterns and lead with greater clarity, capacity, and confidence.

For coaching, speaking, or leadership programs:

Mary@MaryPrintz.com

1-403-866-3806